LAWYER and PROGOAT are on one side of the stage. OTHER PUPPET LAWYER is on the other. PROGOAT and OPL are sitting. LAWYER is sitting on PROGOAT’s desk.
OPL: Hey, I have a complaint about you guys. These students, man. When are they going to realize that the entire appeals process is meant to make sure that there is absolutely no validity to their complaint?
LAWYER gets a worried look across their face. PROGOAT doesn’t notice.
PROGOAT: Totally. Everyone agreed with my assessment of the situation. The student has absolutely no case.
LAWYER: (rushed) They had interpersonal conflict with every single one of their instructors!
OPL: Of course they did. And now they’re accusing a lawyer of a respected institution of failing to fulfill their duties in the Investigations Policy appeals process that Scsfkhfksdjhfeskf obviously didn’t attempt to hinder or influence in any way. The absolute gall.
CREW dangles a THOUGHT FLY puppet over the PROGOAT’s face. The PROGOAT bats it away.
LAWYER: (thinking hard) …if you put it that way…
OPL: (continuing) …if students understood the severe consequences of ignoring institutional policies, they’d know that no institutional officer would ever think about just caring about the improper conduct definitions that also break the law.
The crew’s thought fly prop is swapped out for a nerf-like clue bat. They smack it against the PROGOAT’s skull.
LAWYER and PROGOAT: (exchanging worried glance…) Yeah…
OPL: And this student is stating that UBC as a whole doesn’t understand that institutional policies aren’t optional. Imagine!
LAWYER and PROGOAT: (weakly) Imagine.
OPL: Anyway, glad we could touch base. I’ll tell them to fuck off as politely as I have to. Keep up the good work!
NARRATOR: Spoiler alert, it was hardly polite at all.