Gallant and Goofus: the UBC edition

GallantU is a good academic institution. Goofus is UBC. Let’s see how these two differ in their administration!

first image: Gallant recognizes all GallantU Persons who work and go to GallantU as a GallantU Person with all the rights and privileges that entails.

second image: UBC holds up a measuring stick that reads “you must love the UBC this much to have UBC Personhood. No lawyer’s note accepted.

GallantU knows that if a student goes to its university, they are dependent on the institution to protect their rights. The UBC believes that not liking a program is a reason to deny their obligation to that student.

first image: GallantU is wagging a finger at GallantU’s lawyers. He is protecting his policies from them.

second image: UBC Lawyers divide the non-legal policies from the legally enforceable policies. UBC carts the non-legal policies to an incinerator that is already burning binders.

GallantU knows only to ask lawyers what is legal and what is not. He understands expectations in an institutional setting can exceed the legal standard to ensure all his Persons can learn in a respectful environment.

The UBC believes other than the law, that they are a law unto themselves and answer to no one.

first image: GallantU treats all its GallantU Persons the same, regardless of what kind of GallantU Person they are!

second image: Some UBC Persons have gold stars on their belly. Some do not. The ones that do not have one are clearly second-class UBC Persons.

GallantU knows that policies do not give a flying fuck who the respondent and the complainant are in a complaint.

The UBC knows complaints don’t have to be taken against a star-bellied sneetch high-ranking UBC Person.

first image: GallantU acts as a fiduciary for the university as a legal entity separate from the GallantU Persons needed to operate the institution as an institution.

second image: the UBC acts as a fiduciary to just the UBC Persons who operate it. They don’t believe that the UBC has a separate, legal entity beyond the meatsacks who run the UBC as a private business.

Gallant knows a fiduciary must work in the best interest of what they are a fiduciary for. Financial advisors must work in the interest of their clients instead for the investments that offer the most kickback. GallantU Persons know to put GallantU’s interests above their own.

The UBC believes it is possible to be a fiduciary and ignore their institution’s controlled documents meant for all UBC Persons to follow so that the UBC can better serve its meatsacks’ best interests.

Rapid fire round!

GallantU believes its programs should offer its students knowledge that will not harm their future profession. The UBC gives their student the education they’ll need to provide a glowing evaluation. If they continue to struggle in their publishing goals and teach that there is nothing to learn to writers trying to publish, that’s a “them” problem.

GallantU believes when he reads a policy that is a controlled document, the words mean exactly what they say they do. The UBC believes that a lawyer can tell them what they really mean with their extra special, lawyer x-ray vision.

GallantU believes that scholarly integrity is necessary for the running of an academic institution. The UBC believes that because their Scholarly Integrity policy is non-legally binding, it is non-institutionally applicable.

GallantU believes that students learn best in a harassment-free environment. The UBC believes this too, unless that harassment is based on academic freedom. If harassment is based on “only” an academic freedom violation, the harasser may continue. The student had just better watch what they should have been able to freely comment even more carefully because their harasser now has a green light to continue.

GallantU believes every university should have a training department dedicated to training its employed Persons to know the standards the university expects of them, even if their boss comes to them and tells them to ignore their training. The UBC believes their training department should remain comatose and just let them do what they want.

GallantU knows that if they don’t comply with their own policies that they wrote and codified for them to follow, the student is free to report them for doing so. The UBC believes if they work together as a team, they can make any complaint disappear from any official record and there will be no consequences.

Be like GallantU. Don’t be like the UBC. Don’t believe lawyers when they say anything legal will have absolutely no consequences in a controlled environment. Institutions require policy adherence to operate. (See: Donald Trump’s four years in office.)

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