Scene from UBC Policy Jail: the Musical

CABBAGE HEAD eyes some fresh fish in the yard after the dying notes reverberate through the cheap PA system. They make their way to the newbies.

CH: What you in here for?

UBC: Bad legal advice.

(CH sucks on teeth. That isn’t what they heard. The silence grows.)

UBC: And a teeny, tiny massive conflict our boss wanted us to hide.

(CH’s silence grows reproachful. They know you don’t get out of policy jail until you admit all the mistakes.)

UBC: And we didn’t think not being able to report “personal harassment” or “academic freedom violations” was a bad thing, okay!

(CH taps their toes. UBC continues vomiting up their violations.)

UBC: And no one thought we had to follow policy, like all the time. And we put in writing the staff are only held to the policies that also break the law. And we said a safe learning environment isn’t legally required. In writing. And we destroyed academic freedom–

CH: Why did you destroy academic freedom?

UBC: (stares at him guilelessly if cluelessly) So we wouldn’t have to hear about how our program was designed around academic freedom violation.

CH: Was it?

UBC: I mean, I put down in writing that it was…

CH: So…all you needed to hear was that it wasn’t technically illegal to violate your policies so you smashed them like plates at the end of a Greek wedding?

UBC: Exactly!

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